Post Partum Depression

i guess it was 3 years ago, to the day, when i knew that something had to be wrong. i had this cute baby that i didn't like. he cried a lot, and i was prepared for crying, but occasional crying, intertwined with long, loving glances, inspirational feeding sessions, and sheer joy radiating out of my soul. i found myself exhausted, and i don't mean a little tired. i was exhausted at my core. what was i doing wrong? why wouldn't he stop crying? where was my mother's intuition? where was my "i love being a mommy" feeling, or my "this is so worth it" attitude. i began to feel ashamed because i was obviously failing as a mother - everyone else was happy and had it together.

what i later found out is that babies cry, and sometimes for no reason, and sometimes they cry a lot! they left this part out of the birthing class, and the books. why had no one told me this was going to be excruciationg at times, and that i wouldn't always know what was wrong with my baby, and that some babies just fuss for no reason? (the medical term is colic) and that NO MOM has it all together.

this time around i got a baby who cries a lot less and sleeps a lot more, and thanks to good family and friends, and therapy, i now know that some parts of being a mommy are just hard, but that they do get better. i find myself being greatful that i like this baby, that i enjoy being around her, that she is not just a chore that never goes away. man, that sounds terrible, but it's the truth. having depression is like nothing i've ever dealt with before in my life. it felt like my ability to function had just been stripped away without warning or hope of return. i felt like i was losing my mind. i can remember praying that God would get me through the next 5 minutes. i remember feeling like i must be the only one in the world who felt this way. was it chemical? or the combination of difficult circumstances? i think both. i can now look back and be greatful for the lessons i've learned in the past 3 years, mostly in humility and grace.

i hope as moms, we can remember that NONE of us have it all together, that this is hard sometimes, and that we all do what we think is best for our kids. and by the way, that we do have different personalities and different children, so it's likely that what works in your house won't work the same way in mine.

i pray that if you are feeling depressed, you will not let yourself be isolated. when we close up and pull away, that's when the enemy gets in and makes your life worse - i guess i can say here: a living hell. let's use mommyhood as encouragement and not as a comparison. i promise, the more you talk about what you struggle with, the more you will find that others struggle the same way, and learn that we aren't all that different.

every time i look at him, i'm reminded of the huge amount of pain and grief that i endured, but am also reminded of the incredible amount of growth and healing as an outcome. all of this has made me a better mommy, wife and friend. and now, i wouldn't trade him, or the past 3 years, for anything in the world.